Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MARCH 19 - 25, 2007
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PEOPLE
Alleged 9/11 Mastermind Confesses at Secret Gitmo Hearing
According to transcript he says, “I'm drowning! I did it! I'm drowning! I did it! I'm drowning! I did it!”
Jacques Chirac Bows Out of Presidential Race in France
Senses better opportunity in U. S. Republican primaries.
 
BUSINESS
Study: Americans Lose
$3 Billion in Productivity
During NCAA Tournament

At present pace, U.S. will be Third World country by 2020.
Current Time Channel and Correct
Time Network to Merge

Move faces tough scrutiny from regulators.
Halliburton Moves Headquarters
To Dubai

For the weather.
 
TRAVEL
Japanese-Style “Tube” Hotel Coming to Las Vegas
Will cater to losers.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Court Rules Dying Who Use Medical Marijuana Can Be Arrested
And have their morphine cut off.
CDC: Americans Still Not Eating
Their Vegetables

Recommendation: go to our rooms, no dessert.
 
SCIENCE
Study: Rats Think Like Humans
They lie, cheat, eat too much cheese.
 
Report: This Has Been Warmest Winter Ever
Based on following complicated formula:
 
Scientists Rule Out Traveling
Back Through Time

Most cite cost.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Vocabulary Builders

gaming n. a form of play for adults which makes them feel like children again, but is age-appropriate, as in, “~ is not addictive, like gambling, it's good, wholesome fun for grownups.”

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