Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – OCTOBER 1 -7, 2007
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NEW PRODUCTS
Finally, a Swiss Army Knife for You!
At last, a Swiss Army Knife with all the features you need: file, corkscrew, fish scaler, scissors, toothpick, magnifying glass, screwdriver, phillips head screwdriver, awl, pen, pencil, pencil sharpener, nose hair cutter, mp3 player, flashlight and 244 other handy tools and implements. Not included: a knife. $329 at all Enough Already stores.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Your Number On Do-Not-Call
List Could Be Expiring

You’ll be informed how to renew by phone call during dinner.
Rare Copy of Magna Carta to Be Sold at Auction
Only interested bidders so far: detainees at Gitmo.
FEATURE
According to the Washington Post, hundreds of radiation portal monitors currently deployed by DHS at ports and border crossings often cannot distinguish between nuclear devices and:
  A )  glow-in-the-dark watches
  B )  dental equipment
  C )  cat litter
  Hint: Meeeeeow!
 
TRAVEL
Bush Promises To Reduce
Air Traffic Delays

For corporate jets.
 
CAMPAIGN '08
Clinton Proposes Giving Every U.S. Newborn $5000 to Invest for College
At which time money could be used to host lavish off-campus keggers.

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