Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – DECEMBER 24 - 30, 2007
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NEW PRODUCTS
Fashionable Tasers Hit the Stores
Stunning to the eye as well as the thief, these little shockers pack a wallop within a 50-foot radius. You'll feel safe, even if those around you wear concerned expressions. Excellent for getting a waiter's attention. $399, at upscale gun stores.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Survey: Many Teens Still Talk to
Friends on Phone and in Person

But only when Internet connection's down.
British Professor: Men Naturally Funnier Than Women
Reveals study's findings at opening of Desi Arnaz Comedy Festival.
 
POLLS
Americans at Odds on Media Comeback of the Year
Equally divided between Osama, OJ, Britney.
 
P  A  I  D     A  D  V  E  R  T  I  S  E  M  E  N  T

Merry Christmas, Iowa! From Hillary

On behalf of all our great Democratic candidates, John, Bill, Chris, Joe, Dennis, and Barack Hussein, Bill and I wish you a happy and holy Christmas, or whatever other religious holiday you may celebrate.

All of us are, in varying degrees devout, even Barack, whose family is relatively new to the Good News, and we welcome him to our faith. We all hope and pray that you have a prosperous and safe New Year, even if our country is put into young, inexperienced hands. In that event, we’ll have to pray especially hard!

All the best, Hil
(That’s what my friends, who know me as the warm person I really am call me!)
 
SPORTS
Baseball: No Big Changes
Due to Steroid Scandal

Players named in Mitchell Report will wear small scarlet “S” on uniform.

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