Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JAN 28 - FEB 3, 2008
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NEW PRODUCTS
GM's Driverless Car
Easy enough for a child to operate, this latest innovation makes commuting a snooze. It parks, passes, speeds up, slows down, plots the route and can even arrange its own financing. Thousands are currently being road-tested on the nation's highways (with mostly good results). Crash-proof operating software provided by Microsoft. Advance orders now being taken for Cadillac Transporter ($69,000), Buick Cyborg ($39,000), Chevy Droid ($31,000).
 
ENVIRONMENT
Ice in Antarctica Disappearing Even Faster than Previously Thought
Even faster than when that headline was written.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Iraq's Parliament Approves New Flag
Old one (bottom) represented Sunnis, Shia, Kurds; new one (top) represents Blackwater, Halliburton.
TRAVEL
First Tourist Spacecraft Unveiled
So far has perfect on-time record.
 
POLITICS
Fred Thompson Out of Presidential Race
Made announcement one month ago.
 
SPORTS
Beijing Plans to Cut Traffic in Half for Olympics
By arresting every other driver.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Many Claim Seeing Lenticular Cloud in Sky
One witness describes it as “shaped like a flying saucer.”

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