Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – APRIL 7 - 13, 2008
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PEOPLE
Pope Will Visit NY Synagogue
To give Jews one more chance.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Studios, Networks Prepare for
Possible Actors Strike

If necessary, will use trained chimps, subtitles.
 
BUSINESS
Consumer Confidence Hits Rock Bottom
“I'll never shop again,” says one.
80,000 Jobs Lost in March
Most of them in job counseling.
Senate Rejects Aid for Homeowners,
Votes $6 Billion for Home Builders

To build more homes no one can afford.
Experts Upbeat on Economy
As long as we don't run out of soup.
SCIENCE
New Evidence Shows Humans in North America 1,000 Years Earlier Than Previously Thought
8,000 years before Adam met Eve.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Mobile Phones More Dangerous Than Smoking or
Inhaling Asbestos

But not as dangerous as smoking asbestos.
 
Study: Drinking Lots of Water Has No Health Benefits
Luckily, we're running out of water.
 
Health Database Programmed to
Ignore Search Term “Abortion”

Instead, use search terms “back alley” or “coat hanger” for best results.
Study: Less Sleep Leads to Obesity
Public urged to nap at dinnertime.

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