Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – DECEMBER 14 - 20, 2009
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ENTERTAINMENT
“As the World Turns” Cancelled
Last viewer dies.
 
BUSINESS
More Shoppers Using Cash
Instead of Credit Cards

Many find it a conversation starter.
Comcast Purchase of NBC
To Reshape Media

One giant, many-headed media monster
controlling everything replaced by new one.
College Degree More Expensive Today, Worth Less in Job Market
High school seniors advised to buy gold.
SCIENCE
Hubble Finds Galaxies Formed 600 Million Years After Big Bang
Adjust your understanding of the cosmos accordingly.
 
New Russian Missile Failure Sparks UFO Frenzy
Among those desperate for some intelligent beings to come down here and slap some sense into us.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Kids Protected From Germs Get Sicker Later in Life
As you always suspected.
  At the end of 2008 we asked our resident panel of psychics to predict the big events of 2009. Here's what they foresaw:  
  Kandu: "I predict a quick pullout from Iraq and Afghanistan and bipartisan passage of single-payer universal health coverage."  
  Madame Blavinsky: "The world will be shocked by the sudden unraveling of the reputation of the world's greatest golfer, Jack Nicklaus. And Michael Jackson will have his biggest year since 'Thriller.'"  
  Cassandra: "Tea will battle coffee as the nation's favorite beverage, leading to large public tea parties. Stolen emails will reveal Darwin made up evolution."  
  The Oracle: "A breakthrough in modern physics will allow us to go back in time and correct our mistakes, as I just did."  
  Deep Fritz: "Unemployment will exceed 10%, the war in Afghanistan will be escalated and a brilliant entrepreneur will gain fame and fortune by pretending his son has been swept away in a balloon."  

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