Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 25 - 31, 2010
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MISCELLANEOUS
Designers Hope to Profit From New Punctuation Mark for Sarcasm
Yeah, right.
 
LIFESTYLE
  Study: More Women Out-Earn,
Out-Learn Husbands

Men going to college to find wives who can support them.
 
FACTOID
  Average American Kid Spends Every Waking Moment Online
Doing homework probably.
 
SPORTS
Study: Only Eleven Minutes of Actual Action in NFL Games
Remaining two hours, forty-nine minutes made up of milling about, arguing, waiting for stretcher.
All-White Basketball League's First Season Begins in June
League's founder already being called “the Abe Saperstein of racism.”
FEATURE
The Supreme Court held that restrictions in McCain-Feingold on how much money a corporation can spend to influence elections are unconstitutional because:
A )a giant corporation is legally the same as “a natural person.”
B )giant corporations have feelings, too.
C )corporations don’t have enough influence on elected officials yet.
Hint: there are one or two members of Congress still up for sale.
 
CONSUMER NEWS
Toyota Recalls 2.3 Million Vehicles for Sudden Acceleration Problems
Owners advised to drive cars to dealerships, coasting in neutral wherever possible.
390 Tons of Ground Beef Recalled
If you’re experiencing dizziness, nausea, projectile vomiting or organ failure, it’s probably just that burger you had.

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