Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MAY 2 - 8, 2011
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PEOPLE
Lindsay Lohan Sentenced to 120 Hours Cleaning Toilets at Morgue
Familiar surroundings to anyone who's spent some time in a nightclub's bathroom at 4 AM.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Schwarzenegger to Star in New “Terminator” Film
A body double will do his stunts, his voice will be dubbed by another actor, and everything else will be computer generated.
 
BUSINESS
McDonald's Hiring 100,000 New Workers
Eligibility requirements: you must be between the ages of 15 and 17, pimply, and of average intelligence.
Exxon Announces $11 Billion in Earnings for First Quarter
Will spend it lobbying to keep tax breaks.
SCIENCE
Poll: Baby Boomers Say Age
An Asset in Workplace
Takes experience to make a good cup of coffee for your young boss.
Ability to Recognize Faces Inherited
Those without gene become receptionists.
 
Search for Extraterrestrial Life Halted Due to Lack of Funds
Money needed to scan borders for illegal aliens.
 
INTERNET
Majority of Internet Users Never Click on Ads
Most say they're afraid to be sucked into a hellish nightmare by a computer worm that steals their identity, robs them blind and leaves them begging for food through the barred windows of a debtor's prison.
 
ENVIRONMENT
Gray Wolves Dropped From Endangered Species List
Move expected to result in their quick return to list.

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