Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 23 - 29, 2011
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NEW PRODUCTS
Finally, a Truly Hands-Free Cellphone!
But why did it take so long? Give the creators of this marvel credit, they saw the future, and it was right in front of them. Best of all, the first nose-operated cellphone can be used, with impunity, while driving! $199, at all Hands Off outlets, with discounts for hay fever sufferers.
 
EDUCATION
Yale Frat of Both Bush Presidents Banned for 5 Years for Ordering Pledges to Chant Obscenities Against Women
And waterboarding during Rush Week.
 
MILESTONES
Man Eats 25,000th Big Mac
According to his obituary.
When Newt Gingrich said on Tuesday, “any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood,” what he really meant was:
A ) I never didn’t say that.
B ) I always never said that.
C ) I didn’t always not say that.
D ) what I may have said then, I unsay now.
Hint: it’s never always not been very hard to be a hypocrite.
 
RELIGION
In Official Report on Priest Sexual Abuse, Church Blames Woodstock
Specifically the brown acid.
 
BOOKS
Hot Selling Children's Book Titled Go the F**k to Sleep
Sequel to Change Your Own F**king Diaper.

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