Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 14 - 20, 2013
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NEW PRODUCTS
An Electric Fork That Can Keep You Trim!
Finally, an intelligent utensil whose built-in sophisticated computer tells you to slow down if you're shoveling too much fat into your gullet, and if it senses you're going back for seconds — zap! — a few thousand volts puts an end to that notion. $19.95, at Shocking Solutions.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Jan. 19 “Gun Appreciation Day” Planned By NRA
Followed by “Take Your Gun to Work Day,” “Adopt A Gun Day.”
 
SPORTS
MLB Switching to Wireless Bullpen Phones
There will be a twelve-year breaking-in period for managers to get familiar with the technology.
Nobody Elected to Baseball
Hall of Fame

“I didn't expect it,” says Jerry Nobody, who never batted above .243, but tested negative for steroids.
FEATURE
What do cockroaches, lice, colonoscopies, traffic jams and root canals have in common?
A )They're horrible things we hope to avoid.
B )They're disgusting, yucky, miserable and painful.
C )They're things that appear in our nightmares.
D )They're more popular than Congress in a recent poll of 830 people.
Hint: go ask 830 people.
 
ENVIRONMENT
2012 Hottest Year on Record by Far
So hot you could fry an egg, two slices of bacon and your choice of hash browns or home fries on the sidewalk.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Ohio Family Complains of Flammable Tap Water
But pay their gas and water bills with one check.

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