| NEW PRODUCTS |
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 Revolutionary iPotty
Promises End to Toilet Training
And beginning of zombie apocalypse. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
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With Rules Changes, Your Odds of
Winning the Lottery Sink from 1 in
176 Million to 1 in 259 Million
You have a better chance of being struck by
lightning while being bitten by a shark. |
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| TECHNOLOGY |
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NSA Has Cracked Cellphone Encryption Code
It knows what you said, when you said it and to
whom, but doesn't know if you meant it. |
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| SPORTS |
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 Major League
Baseball Mulls Banning Home Plate Collisions
Or at least limiting number of jumbotron replays to three. |
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| TRAVEL |
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 French Cafe
Charges Rude Customers Extra
Pays rude waiters more. |
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Denmark Ranked First on World
Happiness List
Based on per capita consumption of pastry. |
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Marijuana Now Legal in Uruguay
That giant sucking sound you hear
is from Uruguay. |
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| TRENDS |
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Study: Everyone Speaks
Like a Valley Girl Now
Omigosh! Gag us with a spoon! |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
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 Analysis of James Bond Movies
Reveals He Would Be Impotent
From Drinking 5 Vodka Martinis
a Day
Only if they're shaken, not stirred,
says Bond. |
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