Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JAN 27 - FEB 2, 2014
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PEOPLE
JP Morgan's Dimon Receives 74% Raise to $20 Million a Year
Bank's board of directors rewards him for keeping them out of jail.
Pope Says Internet's Ability to Bring People Together “a Gift From God”
Cites eHarmony.com.
 
BUSINESS
Starbucks Revenue Rises 12%
As more people have no place else to go, nothing better to do.
Candy Crush Maker Trademarks Word “Candy”
And “sugar”, “sweets” and “fun” and, for the hell of it, “trademark”.
Bottle of Scotch Sells For World Record $628,000 at Auction
Comes with dozen packets of instant whiskey sour mix (not shown).
SCIENCE
Report: Billions of Neutrinos Pass Through Your Finger Every Second
If you had a nickle for every neutrino...
 
NASA: Mysterious Mars Rock Resembles “Jelly Doughnut”
In fact, resembles jelly doughnut NASA scientist was eating during Martian rover's final pre-launch inspection.
 
CONSUMER NEWS
Kraft Recalls 2 Million Kraft
Velveeta Cheesy Skillet Dinners
Over Labeling Error

Product fails to state clearly that eating Kraft Velveeta Cheesy Skillet dinner regularly will kill you.
Shocker: Kellogg's Reveals Froot Loops All Same Flavor
Now don't you feel stupid for always removing the purple ones?
10 of 11 Subcompacts Fail Crash Test
Your last thought: how much you saved on gas.

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