Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MAR 31 - APR 6, 2014
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PEOPLE
Jimmy Carter Says He Writes Letters to Foreign Leaders in Longhand so They Can't Be Monitored by NSA
Except by NSA drone hovering outside his window.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
4-D Theater With Moving Seats,
Wind, Strobe, Fog, Rain and
Smells to Open in LA

To simulate experience of driving past a pig farm in a rainstorm.
 
MEDIA
Study: Most Millennials Don't
Watch TV on the TV

Don't even know what a TV is.
 
BUSINESS
Porsche Recalls All 911 GT3 Sports Cars That Go From Zero to 60 in 3.3 Seconds
Because they catch fire in 2.2 seconds.
Candy Crush Maker's IPO a Big Flop
Those who play the game don't invest, those who invest don't play the game.
SCIENCE
Breakthrough: Einstein's Gravitational Waves Immediately Following Big Bang Verified
At your next party just say “ripples in the space-time continuum” and you'll sound like you know what you're talking about.
Discovery of Rings Around
Asteroid Choriklo “Extremely
Surprising” to Astronomers

Not so surprising to Chorikloans.
 
Two More Giant Pharaoh Statues Unveiled in Egypt
An expedition is immediately dispatched from London to steal them for the British Museum.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Daylight Saving Time
Linked to Heart Attacks

Suggests those at risk of heart attack turn their clocks back one hour.
 
CONSUMER NEWS
Kraft Adds “Proprietary, Unnamed Ingredient” to Individually Wrapped Cheese Slices
Hint: it's not cheese.

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