Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – APRIL 14 - 20, 2014
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NEW PRODUCTS
Atomic Wristwatch Loses Only One Second Every 1000 Years!
Never be late again, at least not for another millennium, as long as you're wearing this cesium-powered beauty. What about dangerous radiation, you ask? Just $39.95, at all Soviet Surplus stores.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
By 2030, of U.S. Licensed Drivers Will Be Older Than 85
Blind as bats, mostly lost, mad as Hell.
 
INTERNET
Flaw Found in Internet Encryption
Methods, Everyone Urged to
Change Their Passwords

To “swordfish.”
FCC Says Website Jerk.com Lists Millions as Jerks Then Charges Them $25 to Change Listing to “Not a Jerk”
Jerks happy, get to keep their listing for free.
 
SPORTS
Baseball: Early Season Games
Playing to Sparse Crowds Despite
New Replay Rule That Virtually
Eliminates All Arguments

Or because of it.
RELIGION
Scientists: Papyrus With Line, “Jesus Said to Them, 'My Wife...'” Not a Fake
Still testing authenticity of papyrus where he mentions “my in-laws.”
 
LEISURE
Study: Online Gamers Not “Anti-
Social Basement-Dwellers” as
Depicted in Pop Culture

They're actually “anti-social penthouse-dwellers” living in Silicon Valley.
“Geocache” First New Word Added to Scrabble Dictionary in 9 Years
Like most Scrabble words, it has no meaning.
 
TRAVEL
In 2013, Airlines Took Average of 36 Hours to Return Lost Luggage
But you looked great at your wedding in cut-offs and a tank top.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Colorado's First Pot Vending Machine Operational
Not shown: line three miles long waiting to use it.

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