Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – OCT 27 - NOV 2, 2014
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NEW PRODUCTS
Finally, a Toothbrush That Costs More Than Bridgework!
Buying a $4200 toothbrush might seem extravagant, unless you use spun gold for dental floss and rinse with Dom Perignon. Pack of six, $25,000, at all $25,000 Only stores.
World's First Hoverboard Unveiled
Could revolutionize ancillary sales for “Back to the Future” franchise.
It's a $175,000 Punching Bag From Louis Vuitton!
Comes complete with gloves, mouthpiece, smelling salts, but beware of knockoffs.
 
SPORTS
Investigation: Thousands of
U. of North Carolina Athletes
Given Phony Grades

In lieu of simply paying them for their services.
FEATURE
Between 2000 and 2012, the total number of cases of in-person voter fraud in the United States was:
  A ) 10
  B ) 100
  C ) 1,000
  D ) 10,000
Hint: you can use your fingers.
 
ELECTION 2014
Upcoming Midterm Elections
Called “Most Critical” of
Last 50 Years

Americans must choose between “total gridock” and “near total gridlock.”
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Music Box Figurine of Putin Annexing Crimea to Be Sold at Auction
Wind it up and he signs papers to the tune of “Cry Me a River.”

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