| PEOPLE |
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 Pope Francis Can Spin
a Ball on His Finger
His first miracle; needs two more for sainthood. |
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Trump Already Planning 2nd Inaugural
Will replace National Anthem with Frank
Sinatra's “My Way.” |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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 Woodstock 50th
Anniversary Plans Another “Three Days
of Peace and Love”
Next year, Altamont's 50th promises another
“Three Days of Beatings and Killings.” |
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| BUSINESS |
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Disney World's New Slogan: “Now More
Than Ever”
Also applies to Disneyland where price
of admission has gone from $117 to $129. |
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 Paris: Nudist
Restaurant Closing After Only 15
Months of Operation
Doing great at night, but business drops
off at breakfast, lunch. |
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| NEW PRODUCTS |
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 Unveiled: $7,000
Smart Toilet With Built-In Amazon
Alexa Speaker
“Alexa, wipe my ass.” |
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SCIENCE |
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 Scientists Baffled
as Earth's Magnetic North Pole
Shifting Quite Suddenly
It's affecting global navigation, smartphones, Santa. |
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 Elon Musk Unveils
Mars Spaceship
It will carry 100 adventurous, extroverted types
to the red planet, providing years of drama,
romance and intrigue for billions of us here
on Earth. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center
Announces Top Executives May no Longer
Serve as Highly Paid Board Members
for Drug and Health Care Companies
“This isn't the Trump administration,” it adds. |
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