| PEOPLE |
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Stormy Daniels
Speaks to New York Prosecutors
It's the forty-third time she's met with them. |
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| BUSINESS |
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ChatGPT Predicts Stock Market
Crash This Week
Claims mass disruption will follow,
with chatbots like itself taking control
of government. |
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Banks Frantically Rush to Reassure
Depositors, Prevent Run
Offer free doughnuts, coffee. |
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 Toblerone
Drops Matterhorn Logo After Moving
Production From Switzerland
New logo features 10-year-old African laborers. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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 AR-15 Lapel Pin
Shows Where You Stand on Guns
And, if you're incredibly lucky, it can stop a bullet. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Scientists Reverse Aging
Process in Mice
“Monumental breakthrough”
could lead to world filled with young,
healthy mice. |
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 NASA Unveils
New Moon Suit for Astronauts
New casual wear for moon trip will
be revealed in two weeks. |
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Steven Spielberg: UFO's
Could Be Time Traveling
Humans Observing Us
“The real question is, what's
with the anal probes?” |
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 Rolls-Royce
Plans to Put Nuclear Reactor on Moon
“And the only sound you'll hear
is the clock,” says spokesman. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Report: More Than Half
Of World Will Be Overweight
Or Obese by 2035
Almost all living in half of world that still has food. |
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