| MUSIC |
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AWFUL MUSIC
HALL OF FAME OPENS
Country singers cut
ribbon opening shrine. |
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| HIGH TECH |
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Multi-Use Cell Phone Provides
Net Access, E-mail, Games,
File Sharing, Messaging
But unable to make, receive phone calls. |
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| BUSINESS |
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89% Earnings Jump for Krispy
Kreme
2nd quarter could be even better as more
Americans plan to eat themselves to
death. |
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| LAW |
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Florida to Offer Day Care
On Death Row
Older convicts complain about noisy kids. |
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| GAMES |
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NINTENDO
INTRODUCES GAME CUBE
Aimed at “8 to 12-year old
boys with psychotic-
megalomaniacal tendencies
bordering on
sadism.” |
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| EXCLUSIVE
INTERVIEW |
(Joseph
Hazelwood is President
Bush’s appointee to
head up the Alaskan
wildlife oil drilling
effort. Bush has praised
him as "a good man
who’ll do a good
job." We sat down
with him recently for a
short chat.) |
| Ironic Times:
This is quite an
undertaking, drilling for
oil in a delicate natural
wilderness like the
Alaskan tundra. |
| Joseph
Hazelwood: Yes
it is, but I’m
confident we can get the
job done without harming
the environment. |
| IT:
As the point man in this,
President Bush has put
his trust in you to
coordinate a huge effort.
Do you think you’re
up to the task? |
| JH:
Absolutely. We’ll
drill cleanly, without
harming one living thing
up there. |
| IT:
Correct me if I’m
wrong, but weren’t
you the captain of the
Exxon Valdiz, the tanker
that leaked all that oil?
|
| JH:
I can’t recall. I
don’t think so. |
| IT:
That wasn’t you? |
| JH:
No, no, I don’t
believe so. |
| IT:
Well, thank you for
talking to us, and being
so reassuring. |
| JH:
My pleasure. |
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