| AMUSEMENTS |
 |
 |
World's
Fastest Roller Coaster
Unveiled
Ride opens at Six Flags
Vomit Adventure in New
Jersey. |
|
| SPORTS |
|
Baseball: Playoffs Begin
Curses activated. |
|
Montreal Expos Cleared to
Move to Washington, D.C.
But they're prohibited from bringing
affordable prescription drugs with them. |
|
Baseball Mulls Instant Replay
However, umpires complain it would take
between fifteen and twenty years to
play one game. |
|
 Athletes
Honored as Role Models
In acceptance speeches
Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman say
they're “proud to accept
these awards on behalf of fellow
athletes.” |
|
|
| FEATURE |
 |
| The U.S. Treasury
Department has one third
as many agents assigned
to tracking Osama Bin
Laden's financial
infrastructure as it has
investigating |
| A ) | drug
cartel money laundering
operations at offshore
dummy corporations based
on the planet Klevnar 9
in Alpha Centauri. |
| B ) | signs
that the Rapture has
begun. |
| C ) | Cuban
embargo violations. |
| (Hint: Most agents
assigned to this investigation
speak Spanish.) |
|
|
|
| |
| MILESTONES |
|
Macaulay Culkin Turns 70
Now doesn't that make you feel old? |
| |
| ALSO IN THE NEWS . . . |
|
Bush Surveys
Florida Hurricane Damage
Promises to exact
revenge on Cuba.
|
|
Report: 123,000
Hours of FBI
Intercepts Untranslated
“They're not in English,”
explains spokesman. |
|
