| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
 Scientists
Blend 20 Comics'
Faces to Create
“Perfect Face”
for Comedy
Unfortunately, they fail
to create “perfect
face” for comedy
writing. |
|
| |
| SPORTS |
|
NBA: Players Sue League
Over New Ball
Find surface harder to sign autographs. |
| |
| CURRENCY |
|
 Mint Unveils
Series of Coins Depicting
Every Dead President
Will also bring out
special “lame
duck” series. |
|
| |
| ALSO IN THE NEWS . . . |
| |
Federal
Help Wanted Posting
of the Week
Sycophants to work for President, telling him
he's right about Iraq. No experience
necessary, need urgent, start today. |
|
|
|
| FEATURE |
 |
| Iran and Syria
are going to help us
figure out how to
extricate ourselves from
Iraq because: |
| A ) | They're just really,
really nice guys. |
| B ) | They
hate to see us in this
fix. |
| C ) | It is
not in their self
interest to see the
United States tied up
like this. |
| D ) | They
are under strict orders
from their masters on the
planet Prylon-9. |
| Hint: the regional
peace conference we have
in mind also includes
representatives from the
planet Prylon-9. |
|
|
|
| |
| TRENDS |
|
 Experts
Blame Uptick in Bullying to
“Bully” Video
Game (shown)
Blame uptick in
corruption to “Abramoff”
video game (not shown). |
|
|
