| PEOPLE |
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Madonna Turns Fifty
Wannabes turn 40. |
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| ENTERTAINMENT |
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Hollywood May Turn to New
Source for Movies
Original ideas. |
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| BUSINESS |
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Wal-Mart Issues Dire Warning to
Workers About Democrats
Predicts Obama win would force them into
psychologically confusing higher tax bracket. |
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Chrysler to Stop Leasing Cars
“Who wants a three-year-old Chrysler
product?” explains spokesperson. |
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| POLL |
| Who Would Win Today? |
| Paris Hilton 56% |
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John McCain 44% |
| Barack Obama 51% |
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John McCain 49% |
| John McCain 52% |
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Britney Spears 48% |
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| SCIENCE |
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Study Suggests Dogs Have
Empathy for Humans
Most other animals think we're assholes. |
| |
 Archeologists Unearth
1900-Year-Old Chariot in Bulgaria
Amazingly, it still runs. |
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Anti-Smoking Scientists Excited
By Success Turning Nicotine
Addiction On or Off
Tobacco companies even more excited. |
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Patient Reads Aloud to Surgeons
During Brain Surgery
From Brain Surgery for Dummies. |
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| CORRECTION |
| |
 In a recent edition we
inadvertently ran a picture of John McCain (left)
with a story titled "Oldest Human
Fossil Discovered in Spain." We
meant to use the picture on the right. Sorry. |
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