| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
Designers
Hope to Profit From New
Punctuation Mark for
Sarcasm
Yeah, right. |
|
 |
|
| |
| LIFESTYLE |
| |
Study: More Women Out-Earn,
Out-Learn Husbands
Men going to college to find wives who
can support them. |
| |
| FACTOID |
| |
Average American Kid Spends
Every Waking Moment Online
Doing homework probably. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
Study: Only Eleven Minutes of
Actual Action in NFL Games
Remaining two hours, forty-nine minutes
made up of milling about, arguing,
waiting for stretcher. |
|
All-White Basketball League's
First Season Begins in June
League's founder already being called
“the Abe Saperstein of racism.” |
|
| FEATURE |
 |
| The Supreme Court held
that restrictions in
McCain-Feingold on how
much money a corporation
can spend to influence
elections are
unconstitutional because: |
| A ) | a giant
corporation is legally
the same as “a
natural person.” |
| B ) | giant
corporations have
feelings, too. |
| C ) | corporations
don’t have enough
influence on elected
officials yet. |
| Hint: there
are one or two members of
Congress still up for
sale. |
|
|
|
| |
| CONSUMER NEWS |
|
Toyota Recalls 2.3 Million
Vehicles for Sudden Acceleration Problems
Owners advised to drive cars to
dealerships, coasting in neutral wherever
possible. |
|
390 Tons of Ground Beef
Recalled
If you’re experiencing dizziness,
nausea, projectile vomiting or organ
failure, it’s probably just that
burger you had. |
|
