| MISCELLANEOUS |
 |
 Japanese
Department Store Sets Sales Records
In one week, store breaks every fuckin' record
for gross receipts. |
|
|
Homicide No Longer Among Top 15
Causes of Death
It's been overtaken by state-ordered execution. |
|
 Doomsday
Clock Moved 1 Minute Closer to Midnight
“It's been running a little slow,” says spokesman. |
|
| |
| POLL |
|
Americans 40% Conservative,
21% Liberal
39% Whatever. |
| |
| SPORTS |
|
NBA: Clippers Suddenly
Among Top Teams
As predicted by Mayan Calendar. |
|
| FEATURE |
 |
| Rick Santorum
introduced a bill in Congress to |
| |
A ) |
ban abortion |
| |
B ) |
ban atheism |
| |
C ) |
ban government weather forecasts |
| Hint: if you already
know a hurricane is headed your way, where's the fun? |
|
|
|
| |
| RELIGION |
|
Church Based on File-Sharing
Recognized as Religion by Sweden
Challenges traditional religions based on suing
copyright infringers up the wazoo. |
| |
| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
 |
 $10 Million
Prize Offered to Inventor of Device That Works
Like “Star Trek” Tricorder
And cameo in upcoming sequel. |
|
|
