Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JUL 21 - AUG 17, 2014
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HIGHLIGHTS OF 2014 (January - June)
Pope Francis Says He'd Baptize Martians
But draws the line at washing their feet (if they have feet).
Midterm Elections Could Give
Senate to GOP

Republicans say they'd seize on opportunity and immediately set out on ambitious program to do absolutely nothing.
Georgia Gun Law Allows
Weapons in Churches, Bars,
Government Offices

Schools, libraries, anger management clinics.
Poll: 17% of Americans Say They'd Have Sex With a Robot
Broken down: 34% of men, 0% of women.
Coca-Cola's Pomegranate Blueberry Juice is 99.4% Apple and Grape Juice
Company offers to rename it “I Can't Believe It's Not Pomegranate Blueberry Juice.”
Bill Introduced in Congress Would Create National Park on the Moon
Already, the wait for a decent campsite is 6 months.
Study: 32% of U.S. Seafood
Caught Illegally

Then overcooked.
Claiming an Error, Feds Rescind Approval of Powdered Alcohol Product “Palcohol”
Seemed like a great idea, until they sobered up.
  Congressional Leaders Hold Hands, Sing “We Shall Overcome”
Followed by “Dixie.”
Iraq Descending Into Civil War
Country lacks powerful strongman with no ties to terrorist groups.
Native American Caucus Opposes Immigration Reform
Demands 310 million illegal immigrants be deported.
House Majority Leader Cantor Loses Primary to Tea Party Candidate
Voters found his anti-immigration, anti-Obamacare, anti-tax, anti-regulation record too progressive.
CEO's Median Pay Rises for 4th Straight Year to Above $10 Million
U.S. political system downgraded from oligarchy to plutocracy.
Texas Republicans Support “Restorative Therapy” for Gays
Reject “restorative therapy” for bigots.
Consumer Confidence in
U.S. Hits 6-Year High

Half of Americans confident other half will buy stuff.
Prediction: Computers Will
Be Like Humans by 2029

Will most likely kill us all, then fight among themselves.
Sterling, Denying He's Mentally Unfit, Sues NBA
For $1 billion and a tuna melt with fries.

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