| CONSUMER NEWS |
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 Tyson to Debut
Plant-Based Shrimp Next Year
Paired with meatless meat it promises a
“Surfless 'n' Turfless”
dinner special. |
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| MISCELLANEOUS |
|
Study: Marriage Rates Down
Due to Lack of “Economically
Attractive” Men
Most of the “economically attractive” ones
facing sexual harassment charges. |
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| SPORTS |
|
NFL Season Begins With
Controversial New Replay Rule
Expect to see the same commercials replayed
over and over again. |
| |
| AUTOMOTIVE |
|
 World's Fastest
Driverless Car Hits 175mph
Driving enthusiasts say they “can't
wait” to not drive one. |
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| TECHNOLOGY |
|
 This Hypersonic
Airliner Would Take You
From Los Angeles to Tokyo
in Under Two Hours
Or to Las Vegas in under eight minutes. |
|
|
Study: Digital Assistants Could
Make Children Less Polite
More reports of 10-year-olds screaming
“Fuck you, Alexa!” |
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| ODDS 'N' ENDS |
|
 |
| |
Trump Campaign Selling
“Official Donald Trump
Fine-Point Markers”
Also available: “Official Donald Trump
Two-Ply Toilet Paper.” |
| |
| BREAKING
NEWS |
|
At Last Minute, Trump Cancels
Secret Talks at Camp David
With Taliban
Also cancels their Sept. 11th visit to
Ground Zero. |
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