| PEOPLE |
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 Vance Can't Answer Question
About 2020 Election
“I also left it blank on the SAT,” he admits. |
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| BUSINESS |
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 Tesla Unveils
Self-Driving Cybercab
Pre-recorded “Where to, mac?” asks
where you're going, and “Get out!”
tells you you've arrived. |
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 Some Spirit Halloween
Stores to Become Spirit Christmas Stores
Out with the pagans, in with the Christians. |
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| CONSUMER NEWS |
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 Report: Trump
Bibles Printed in China
Buyers should return any copies with Jesus's
quotations attributed to Mao Tse-tung. |
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| ART |
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 Artwork Consisting
of Two Empty Beer Cans Mistakenly
Tossed in Trash
Fired cleaning lady blames drunk docent. |
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| SCIENCE |
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Surprise Discovery: Movement
of Tectonic Plates Did Not
Form Continents
It was gerrymandering. |
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 Mysterious Drones
Hover Over Top Secret Bases, Air
Force Helpless to Do Anything
"It feels like the 1950s," says one general,
staring up at the sky. |
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| BREAKING NEWS |
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Trump Reportedly Doing
Better With Black Men
“Bill Cosby endorses me,” he boasts. |
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