Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - OCTOBER 2 - 8, 2000
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ELECTION 2000
 
BUCHANAN
GETS BIG ENDORSEMENT
Pat Buchanan leaves a meeting with the militant white supremacist group Posse Comitatus after that group announced it would endorse him for President. "I don't care if I'm hurting Bush," Buchanan told reporters.
Future Foreign Ambassadors Making Large Campaign Contributions
Dem, GOP hopefuls demonstrate knowledge of foreign affairs with cash, checks.
Perot Pondering Last-Minute Run
Will decide "sometime in early November."
 
BUSINESS
99 Cents Stores Fold
Cite slowing economy and stiff competition from 98 Cents Store chain.
Consensus on the Street: Pokemon Cards Overvalued
Pre-Columbian art recommended as hedge.
 
SHOW BUSINESS
Totally Unknown Actor Mobbed
By Time Travelers

"I guess I'll be famous someday," Carl Witherspoon gushes.
"You Bet Your Hand" a
Hit in Saudi Arabia

Show drawing 99.99 % of audience.
 
Jim Carrey to Headline Stephen King Biopic
Comic actor ready for "role of a lifetime." (right, Jim Carrey does his best Stephen King impression for photographers)
SCIENCE
Latest Theory Places Universe at Center of Huge Ballroom
Explains spinning, planetary movement, but little else.
Square Peg Fits Into Round Hole
Engineering breakthrough. Jubilant scientists use "blunt" force to achieve unexpected result.
Genetically-Altered Salmon
Swim Downstream

Debone themselves.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Nation's Kids Fatter, Smarter
All that sitting in front of TV, computer producing generation of obese geniuses.
Tobacco Risk in Humans May
Not Apply to Rats
More studies needed before researchers can determine if rats should smoke.
 
 
    PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
    DISASTER
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS:
  • Heffernan District Chief clashes with Piedmont Council over clean-up efforts; shots fired.
  • Huge meteor theory gaining favor.
  • Nighttime "glow" helping to light streets.
  • Long-awaited rescue ship arrives, sinks.
 
ART
Robot That Paints Like a Master
Goes into Mass Production
Should replace most artists by 2010.

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