Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – OCTOBER 16 - 22, 2000
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ELECTION 2000
Lieberman's Influence on
Gore Growing

Vice President now using Borscht Belt material: "Yes, the food stinks, but such big portions!"
Candidates Struggle with Hard to Pronounce Names of World Leaders
Bush wrestles with "Kostunica," Gore can't say "Clinton."
Hagelin in Virtual Dead
Heat With Buchanan
Both Reform Party candidates at .003%, or 38 voters each.
 
GARDENING TIPS  
COPING WITH APHIDS
Aphids, those pesky little creatures who feast on the leaves of your favorite fruit trees, can best be attacked at this time of year by releasing ladybugs, (available at most garden stores). Your ladybug infestation can then be taken care of by introducing grasshoppers, a population which can be easily controlled by frogs. When it's time to thin out the frogs, be sure to read next week's Gardening Tips: "Coping With Alligators."
SHOW BUSINESS
NBC to Delay Election
Results 1 Day
Will allow time to "package" personal profiles of winners, losers.
"Nothing Good On" Bought
by CBS
Nightly show features twenty-somethings sitting around complaining that there’s "nothing good on."
Low-Definition TV Gains in Popularity
Shows much improved by blurry image, fuzzy sound.
"Putin On The Ritz" Closes in Moscow
Will re-open in Siberia.
 
SPORTS
Poorest Teams Knocked Out Early in Baseball Playoffs
"We simply can’t buy a hit," one losing owner complained.
 
    PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
    DISASTER
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS:
  • You can fry an egg on the street -- but don't eat it!
  • Area loses zip code; no longer needed.
  • Finally some good news: nothing left to loot.

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