Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – OCTOBER 23-29, 2000
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POLITICS
FirstAmendmentLand to Replace Actual First Amendment
Park visitors will exercise civil liberties aided by goofy cartoon characters.
 
SHOW BUSINESS
Garbage Barge Signs
Kathie Lee Gifford
Star will do promotional appearances at landfills, dumps.
Studios Running Out of New Ideas
Will have to close.
 
BUSINESS NEWS
Sudden Market Drop More
Of a Hiccup, Say Analysts
Not quite a belch or fart.
 
    PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
    DISASTER

    LATEST DEVELOPMENTS:

        Skies clearing, unfortunately.
Senate Blocks Use of Female
Crash Dummy
Smaller testing device subject to unpredictable mood swings, isn't logical.
Prison Vouchers Proposed by Inmates
"Give us a choice," say recently convicted felons.
 
ASTROPHYSICS

Hubble Surprise:
Universe Only 500 Years Old

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
 
NUTRITION
Potato Chips May Contain Asphalt
But not in harmful quantities, says FDA.
 
CORRECTION
Last week we published the names and addresses of convicted child molesters who live within a twenty-five mile radius of the 50 largest American cities. Unfortunately, the wrong list of names appeared. We apologize for any confusion.

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