Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - JANUARY 8 - 14, 2001
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    Every so often Ironic Times takes a look at some of the innovative new products about to hit the market . . .
THE HYBRID GAS RANGE
Take a conventional gas oven and add MP3 capability and you have the new Hybrid Gas Range from Music Chef. Plays up to two hours of near-CD quality music, long enough to roast a 14-pound turkey. Self-cleaning.
THE INTERNET-READY ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH
Developed under an alliance of Microsoft and Colgate, you’ll soon be able to surf the web while scraping the plaque and tartar off your bicuspids. Two speeds, with an extra brush head for the missus, and a smut filter to keep junior away from any offending sites.
THE DESK-SIZED PDA
Ever want the ease and convenience of your mobile personal digital assistant on your desk? Now you can, with the Palm Desk Organizer. Stores hundreds of phone numbers and addresses; keeps track of appointments through the year 2099. Comes with a one-year warranty and toll-free, 24-hour support.
HIGH-DEFINITION X-RAY GLASSES
A vast improvement on the original X-ray glasses, which have been around since the '50's, these super-peepers promise 1200 lines of resolution, enough to bring out the leering, dirty old man in everyone. Not available in some rural areas, for several totally unrelated reasons.
THE HOME PARTICLE ACCELERATOR
A chance for the whole family to learn about trace elements with this handy cyclotron from Fermi, a respected name in the field. Invite the neighbors over as you split atoms into God-knows-what. Hours of fun.
THE BUICK TRUCKSICLE
Still waiting for that PT Cruiser you ordered last March? Maybe you should cancel the order and take a look at the new Buick Trucksicle, a retro van updated with the latest in suspension and refrigeration. The standard 6-cylinder automatic comes with power steering, power brakes, jingle bells, and 4 cases of fudgicles. White only.

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 Copyright 2001 Ironic Times