| PEOPLE |
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BOZO THE
CLOWN QUITS SHOWBIZ AFTER
FORTY YEARS
Will run for governor of Minnesota. |
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| POLITICS |
|
Campaign Finance Reform Bill
Lost
Senators looking everywhere, but hold out
little hope of finding it. |
|
Democrats Searching
For New Leader
Hope to find compassionate, charismatic,
devout centrist, must be neutered. |
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| SHOW BUSINESS |
 |
CHRIS FARLEY
BIOPIC GOES BEFORE
CAMERAS
German sumo wrestler stars as
the brilliant, self-destructive
comic. |
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| QUOTE OF THE
WEEK |
"Sorry, there's nobody by
that name
at this address." |
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-- Slobodan Milosevic
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| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
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Americans Getting Too
Much Sleep, Study Finds
Possible cause: too much exercise. |
| |
Bush's
3rd Grade Student
Evaluation Shows Child
with
Promise, Problems
(The
following evaluation from
Midland Elementary was
obtained by Ironic Times)
George is an extremely
popular youngster, with
both his classmates and
his teachers! He makes
friends easily, and is a
natural leader.
Academically, however, he
needs to improve. Areas
which need special
attention include
in-class concentration,
test prep and homework.
George is quite a
chatterbox, but he must
learn when it is
appropriate to speak and
when to listen. If he
pays more attention in
class, works harder at
home, especially on his
vocabulary and his math
skills, he can raise his
overall grade average
from where it is now into
the acceptable range.
He's also drinking too
much. |
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