Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - APRIL 16 - 22, 2001
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SHOW BUSINESS
NakedNews.Com Adds Male Anchor
Newsman formerly worked at BareBriefing.com; before that was roving correspondent for NudesoftheWorld.org.
Producers, Writers Talking Again
Will attempt to iron out plot points, characters, dialogue before strike premieres.
Ronald McDonald Comes
Out of Closet

Admits he's a vegetarian.
Oprah Follows Couric
Will have liposuction on upcoming show.
 
BUSINESS
Market Slide Forces Many
To Postpone Retirement

Period of useless boredom leading to deep depression will have to wait.
International Marketplace in
Stolen Goods "Healthy"

But increased law enforcement could slow growth in fourth quarter.
 
LAW
House Sets Debate on
Cloning of Humans

Will limit speeches by clones to fifteen minutes.
SCIENCE
One Millionth Study Says Humans
Cause Global Warming

Jury still out, says administration.
 
HIGH TECH
Carrier Pigeons Added to
Wireless Mix

Company will equip birds to deliver Internet access in most major cities with statues.
 
GUEST COLUMNIST
 
I'm Still Here
by Strom Thurmond

Recently there has been speculation regarding my health and the disposition of my senate seat should I die. Let me assure you that I am in good health and have no intention of either passing away or relinquishing my responsibilities as the senior senator from the Great State of South Carolina. That said, let me add that I am in the market for a new wife, around 35-40, attractive, preferably blonde, preferably a good cook of traditional Southern cuisine. And preferably white.

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