Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - JULY 30 - AUGUST 5, 2001
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PEOPLE
HEMINGWAY LOOK-ALIKES GATHER
Proud “Papa” imposters get together for an evening of drinking, bullfighting, and suicide.
 
SPORTS
China Preparing to Host Olympics
Executing all “wrong-doers.”
American Youth Sports Association
Issues New Guidelines for Parents:

1) Sit down. 2) Shut up.
 
CONSUMER NEWS
August Issue of Consumer
Reports
Recalled
Some testers received paper cuts when trying to browse magazine.
 
PICTURE OF THE WEEK
TRAGEDY AVERTED
Giggling Chinese couple prevents leaning tower of Pisa from toppling.
ALSO IN THE NEWS ...
West Nile Fever Spreads to Florida
No cure for deadly virus, nation doomed.
SPECIAL TO IRONIC TIMES:

In Defense of the
Death Penalty

by
President George W. Bush
Thank you for allowing my opinions to be published somewhere besides The Washington Times.
First of all, the death penalty deters others from committing murder. There isn't one person in this country who, after witnessing an execution, would run out and kill someone. They'd have to be crazy, or stupid.
Secondly, most people on death row are definitely guilty. Every day the small number of innocent people who are on death row is being reduced by new DNA evidence, or by execution. And to those who say that states with the death penalty have a higher murder rate, I say: Don't forget to subtract the ones murdered by the state, which brings the total down considerably.
Finally, our allies in Europe are upset with us for continuing this so-called “barbaric” practice, but believe me, if they had our murder rate they'd be stringin' 'em up in the streets like Christmas lights. Once again, thank you.

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