Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - APRIL 1 - 7, 2002
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PICTURE OF THE WEEK
Philip Morris Machine Smoked Low-Tar, Nicotine Cigarettes For Years
Never got cancer.
 
ODDS AND ENDS
Head of Homeland Security
Announces Color Alerts for
Nation's Capital
 
GREEN = normal corruption: nothin' special
YELLOW = lobbyists on beltway: caution
ORANGE = energy execs in Oval Office: duck and cover
RED = lawyers with loopholes spotted on the Hill: stay indoors, away from windows
 
LEISURE
Pole Dancing Up Since 9/11
Experts offer no good explanation for jump.


     Q: Recently, I was fired from my job at a military bio-warfare lab in Maryland, and I'd like to take revenge for the shabby way I was treated. What should I do?
A: Write some threatening letters to prominent media figures, that'll get some attention.

Q: I've cornered the market on cheap Hawaiian shirts made overseas by child slave labor. I'd like to pass them off as expensive ones and dump them on some unsuspecting retailer here in the states. Any advice?
A: Duh. Change the labels.

Q: I'm the former CEO of an energy trading firm in Houston, Texas, and was just wondering-
A: Go no further, pal, I can't help you.
(Address all correspondence to Ask the Devil, P.O. Box 2002, Hell)

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