Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – SEPT 30 - OCT 6, 2002
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PEOPLE
  Bush Calls for More Early
Reading Programs

Like the one he's enrolled in.
 
WORDS IN THE NEWS
  surprise attack: attack by an unscrupulous foe for which fair warning is not given.
preemptive strike: sudden assault which prevents an unscrupulous foe from launching
a surprise attack.
 
BUSINESS
Forbes: Bill Gates Has Lost
$11 Billion in Last Year

Mostly in small change.
Enron's Famous "E" Sold at Auction for $44,000
Sale recorded as $44,000,000.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Teens Most Likely to
Commit Crimes in Afternoon,
Have Sex at Night

Explains why they sleep until noon.
Botox May Help Migraine Sufferers
Helps them look like they don't have a migraine.
Anxiety, Agitation, Irritability Could Be Early Sign of Alzheimer's
They could also be none of your goddamn business.
 
SCIENCE

Egyptian Mummy
Gets CT Scan

Advised to return for more expensive tests.
 
SOCIETY
Belgian Study: Alcoholic
College Freshmen More
Likely to Flunk Out

Also: bears more likely to shit in the woods.

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