Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – DECEMBER 9 - 15, 2002
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FASHION
SPRING FASHION PREVIEW
Look for more leather, much more hair, way more lipstick.
 
RELIGION
People of Many Faiths Observe Holiest Time of Year
Take occasional breaks to torture, rape, murder each other.
 
AUTOS
New Sports Car Features Warp Overdrive
Won't be available on this planet until 2008.
 
SPORTS
Austrian Study Links Mountain
Biking to Infertility in Men

Unexplained: why infertile men like mountain biking.
England: Dogs Demonstrate in Favor of Fox Hunting
“It’s our bloody way of life,” says one.
WHAT THEY WERE THINKING
 
President Nixon, Elvis Presley, Oval Office, December 21, 1970.
Richard Nixon (left): "I remember how slurred his speech was, and the smell of peanut butter and bananas on his breath. And I think he was on something."
Elvis Presley: "The President’s hands were clammy, and his lip was sweaty. And I think he was on something."
 
SPECIAL REPORT
Solid Proof That Saddam Has Nukes

1. On his recent trip to Turkey, Paul Wolfowitz overheard two Turks with access to CLASSIFIED INFORMATION say they were sure Saddam had nukes. (They DID NOT KNOW they were being overheard!)
2. Some guy in Guantanamo says he'll swear to hearing about Saddam's nukes, and all he wants in return is to be freed - he's NOT EVEN ASKING FOR MONEY!
3. Donald Rumsfeld had a prophetic dream where he actually SAW Saddam's nuclear weapons and also huge intercontinental ballistic MISSILES to deliver them ANYWHERE in the UNITED STATES!


(Information provided by the White House in the interest of national security.)

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