Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – DEC 30, 2002 - JAN 5, 2003
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PEOPLE
Whistleblowers Named Time's "Persons of the Year"
3 women are honored, then fired, blacklisted, exiled, ruined, left to die penniless and alone as outcasts.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Mississippi State Study: Kids More Likely to Have First Sex in December
Need for comfort, consolation soars when they first discover Santa isn't real.
 
NEW PRODUCTS
"Reality" Goes on Sale
Manufacturer hopes to grab some of the "Sims" market.
"Lingerie Barbie" Debuts
Coming soon: "Chugalug Barbie," "Crack Barbie," and "Barbie Puts Out."
 
BOOKS
 
 Top 5 Best Sellers (for 2002)
   1. Cliffs Notes for Dummies
   2. The Abridged Oxford Broken English Dictionary
   3. Beowulf (Ebonics translation)
   4. Chicken Soup for the Dummy's Soul
   5. The Dumbest Generation.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS ...
First Intelligent Signal From Outer
Space Received, Deciphered

Two-word message: "Coming soon."
Least Covered News Events, 2002
1. To enhance security, all nine Supreme Court Justices began wearing handguns beneath their robes. On April 20th during a heated exchange, Justice Souter was wounded in the thigh by Justice Scalia, but recovered, and was back at work within a week.
2. As a test of several new foreign policy options, the CIA put arsenic in the soup of Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair on July 10th and replaced him with a lookalike. The Blair lookalike has been very supportive of U.S. policies.
3. The United States Shadow Government was overthrown in a little-noticed coup d'etat on September 19th. Dick Cheney was taken into protective custody, and Donald Rumsfeld placed in command.
4. Martha Stewart fled the country on October 8th and relocated her headquarters to an island in the Bermuda Triangle, where she is continuing to tape her TV show and building her own nuclear weapon.
5. Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton had a mutual organ transplant operation in May in which they exchanged kidneys, and one more in November, to get them back.
 
LANGUAGE
More Overused Phrases Retired
Latest to get the heave-ho: "Too much information;" "At the end of the day;" "24-7;" "Do the math."

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