Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – FEBRUARY 17 - 23, 2003
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SCIENCE
Latest Photo Of Martian Surface Reveals a Lot
Mostly about the person describing it.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Cell Phones Cause Brain Damage
Advice: duh.
Obesity Study: Eat Just One Less Cookie a Day to Lose Weight
Girl Scouts denounce report as "unfuckingbelievable."
 
BUSINESS
  Smith & Wesson Introduces Powerful .50-Caliber Pistol
Should appeal to users who are too emotional to aim precisely at their target.
ENTERTAINMENT
Talks Collapse on Merging Disney's ABC News With CNN
Fell apart over who would get preferred billing on “Goofy-Connie Chung Report.”
 
FEATURE
Office of War Information News Templates
(for reporters held in windowless cells: fill in blanks and file)
U.S. Bombers Use Smart Weapons For Surgical Strikes
Reports of _____ civilian casualties dismissed as propaganda by knowledgeable source.
Conclusive Evidence of Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction Discovered by U.S. Troops
"Made in U.S.A." markings explained by military as a "_____" coincidence.
Rumors of Chaos, Civil War _____ly Exaggerated, Says Bush
"Can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs," he says, on the ___th hole.

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