Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – FEBRUARY 17 - 23, 2003
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MISCELLANEOUS
PETA Anti-Fur Protesters Voted “Most Beautiful”
Beat out tree sitters, anti-war demonstrators, and last year's winners, Strippers Opposed to Stripmining.
ENVIRONMENT
Provision in Budget Bill Allows Timber Companies to Manage Forests
Fox Logging & Mining will be in charge of Hen National Forest.
 
SPORTS
Arena Football League
Finding Its Audience

Very popular with short claustrophobics allergic to grass.
Spring Training: Pitchers,
Catchers Report

First week devoted to stretching, scratching, spitting.
 
RELIGION
Vatican Opens Archives to Defend Pius XII Against Anti-Semitism
Hope old deli receipts, comedy albums will convince critics.
What to Do in the Event of
Terrorist Chem, Bio or
Nuke Attack

1. Lock doors and windows.
2. Cover any cracks where outside air could enter home.
3. Load weapons – neighbors, friends and relatives who could be infected may seek shelter with you, you must repel them.
4. Inspect family for traces of chemicals or symptoms of illness. If any family members have been exposed, expel them at once.
5. Clean and disinfect area suspected family members may have contaminated.
6. Open a can of rations, relax, and wait for further instructions.
 
IRONIC TIMES EXCLUSIVE
U.S. Plans Two-Year Military Occupation of Iraq
Followed by brief period of chaos as various warring groups battle for control, followed by bloody revolution, followed by the establishment of a strict fundamentalist government that supports terrorism – if all goes well.

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