Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 5 -11, 2003
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MISCELLANEOUS
British Study: Society Being “Destroyed” by Disrespectful Behavior
Public civility has “all but disappeared,” laments Cambridge Professor H. Colton Langerfield (above), who headed study.
 
SPORTS
Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson Added to Olympic Basketball Team
Might help U.S. finish ahead of Slobovia.
Baseball Milestone Expected
This Summer

Mid-July is when statisticians predict we’ll witness baseball’s one millionth crotch scratch.
Land Speed Record Set
Three-mile course completed in just six seconds by some asshole in a black BMW.
 
LAW
Canadian Parliament To Vote on Decriminalizing Marijuana
Flag would require only slight change.
NEW PRODUCTS
New Super Wristwatch Does Almost Everything!
Phone, fax, digital camera, TV, AM-FM radio, calculator, address book, word processor, mp3 player, Internet browser - and it fits on your wrist! The only thing it doesn’t do is tell time. ($395, Sharper Image).
"Food Now" Instant Server
Is to traditional fast-food outlets what the cell phone is to the old-fashioned rotary dialer. Just plunk in a few quarters and, faster than you can say "Bill Gates," the freshly prepared entree of your choice is in your hands, no waiting, no actual human beings to screw up your order. This will revolutionize the fast-food industry!
Car of the Future?
Sports coupe made entirely of cheddar cheese “still in the concept stage,” says spokesman for joint General Motors-Kraft Foods project.

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