Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MAY 19 - 25, 2003
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PEOPLE
Jesse Helms Given Honorary Degree
Honored by Redneck State College.
MEDIA
FCC Establishes New Caps
On Media Control

Limits one owner to 99% of market.
More Trouble for
The New York Times
Revelation: paper is written, edited in Philadelphia.
 
BUSINESS
U.S. Airlines Told to Raise Weight Estimates 10 Pounds for Passengers
Also: stop feeding them.
Ronald McDonald Gets Image Makeover
He's now pious, humble, and a vegetarian.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: One Drink a Day Increases Arterial Elasticity, Key to Longer Life
Two drinks a day increases moral elasticity, key to happier life.
Study: Obesity Costs America
$93 Billion a Year

Represents total amount spent on Oreos.
 
SCIENCE
Worse Than Crop Circles?
Authorities hope giant eating utensils turn out to be prank, not portent of things to come.
Mission to Earth’s Core Proposed
Recent movie “proves it can be done,” says project's director.
 
UPDATE ON IRAQ
Only Woman in Iraqi “Most
Wanted” Deck Captured

Rumsfeld declares, “Old maid!”
State Dept.: Chalabi a Clown
Defense Dept.: but he's our clown.

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