Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JUNE 30 - JULY 6, 2003
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ODDS AND ENDS
Bush Signs Bill Extending “Shadow” Government for Another Year
Also attending Oval Office signing: members of “shadow” Supreme Court.
 
Phi Beta Kappa Homeless
Man Gives Commencement
Speech at UC Berkeley

Topic: "If I'm so smart, why aren't I rich?"
 
MILESTONES
Mick Jagger Turns 60
Will celebrate with sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, nap.
 
SPORTS
NBA Draft Picks Set Record
New standard established for most players with unpronounceable names.
Super Bowl Halftime to Feature Lingerie Bowl
Lingerie Bowl halftime to feature Naked Mudfighting Bowl.
4th of July Fun Facts
The Declaration of Independence was actually approved July 2nd, not July 4th.
It wasn't really signed by all the signers until months afterwards.
The "all men are created equal" phrase really meant "all wealthy white men are created equal."
"The pursuit of happiness" was added as an inalienable right by Thomas Jefferson after a long day, as a joke.
At the time of the Declaration, one third of the country remained loyal to the King, roughly the same percentage as today.
 
CORRECTION
In response to numerous challenges, we have reexamined question 14 in the "Trends in Current U.S. Leadership" section of last week's Current Events Quiz and have determined that while the correct answer is: B) arrogant, credit will also be given for: A) selfish, C) deceitful, D) unreliable, E) irresponsible, F) uninformed, G) mean-spirited, and H) unfuckingbelievably stupid. You may revise your scores accordingly.

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