Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – SEPTEMBER 8 - 14, 2003
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PEOPLE
Gubernatorial Candidate Mary Carey Pledges to Serve Out Term
If elected in California recall, actress will not run for President.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
TV: Movie Depicting Bush Since 9/11 Premieres
Timothy Bottoms plays the President in “Photo Op,” about brave photographers who took pictures of Bush in various heroic settings.
 
BUSINESS
Greenspan Confident Economy Will Turn Around in Future
Won't specify in which decade, but remains upbeat.
New British Car Turns Into Boat
But can't fly, complain critics.
SCIENCE
NASA: Hubble Images Digitized, Colorized, Improved for PR Reasons
Quasars with blemishes, unsightly black holes airbrushed out; photos of “Big Bang” enhanced.
Hippo Population Down 95%
Hippo experts blame lack of vibrant social life, few places to meet members of the opposite sex, and prudish attitudes among older hippos.
 
 
Mysterious Giant Sea Creature Washes Up in Chile
It's carefully examined, cleaned, cooked, and eaten.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Job Stress, Burnout on Rise
Experts attribute trend to some damn thing or other.
Bush Administration To Allow
Hospitals to Cut Emergency
Room Staff, Services

Following large donation from morticians union.
Study: All Americans Now Obese
Except those in beer commercials.

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