Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – DECEMBER 1 - 7, 2003
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POLITICS
Katherine Harris Reportedly Mulling Run for Major Office
She's considering running for Wicked Witch of the South.
Clark, Lieberman, Kerry, Dean, Edwards, Moseley Braun, Kucinich, Gephardt, Sharpton Meet to Debate
But they only have time for the introductions.
 
SPORTS
Baseball: Aging Hurlers Traded
For Washed-Up Hitters

Beat-up veterans swapped for banged-up rookies.
 
FOOD
  Turkey and Gravy Soda New
Number One Soft Drink

Just introduced, it leaps ahead of Corned Beef and Cabbage Soda, Veal and Peppers Soda, and Coke.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
Bush, AWOL From National
Guard Unit, Finally Apprehended

He will face court martial, pending appeals.
These New Dolls Talk - And They're Super Bargains!
Talking Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein dolls not only look like the aforementioned newsmakers, they speak! God (or Allah) knows what they're saying, but your kids won't care, and at $7.99 these dolls are a steal, especially at this time of year. Perfect as a stocking stuffer. At all Santa's Workshop Factory Outlet stores.
Hey Kids! Genetically Engineered Fish That Glow in the Dark!
They're real, and boy do they glow! So bright you'd think they were plugged into the wall! How do they do it? They're loaded with radium (at a safe level, according to new federal standards), that's how! Just turn off the lights and watch the fishbowl. It's better than an aquarium screensaver! $5 each at Marine Life and Beyond.
Hey Guys! Here's One Gift That Keeps on Giving!
She'll like it because it's a stylish pendant that resembles a sleek mini-camera phone; you'll like it because it really is a mini camera phone, and it's taking revealing pictures of her and sending them to you whenever you want them! $199, at Sneaky Horny Bastard Emporium.

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