Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JULY 26 - AUGUST 1, 2004
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RELIGION
Neuroscientists Discover Buddhists Happier
But Christians, Jews, Muslims confident God will punish them for it.
 
MILESTONES
Wisconsin Man Eats Record-Breaking 20,000th Big Mac
Then undergoes record-breaking twentieth heart bypass operation.
 
SPORTS
Good News: Olympics Facilities Ready
Bad news: they're in Beijing.
Lithuania Wins Dinosaur Egg Toss
Maintains lead at Jurassic Games.
Rules Change: NBA to Allow Fire-Breathing Defense
But only in the final two minutes of each half.
BOOKS
Best-Selling Reissues of 2004

1. No Exit, by Jean-Paul Sartre, new translation by Donald Rumsfeld
2. Prisoner Without a Name, Cell Without a Number, by Jacobo Timmerman, new introduction by Major General Geoffrey Miller
3. The Gulag Archipelago, by Alexander Solzhenitsyn, updated by Paul Wolfowitz
4. The Charge of the Light Brigade, by Alfred Lord Tennyson, new verses by G.W. Bush as told to Judith Miller
 
MISCELLANEOUS
National Society of Grammarians Rejects Changes
“If it ain't broke, don't fix it,” says spokesperson.
 
ART
Mona Lisa Showing Signs of Age
Once intriguing, enigmatic, she now appears cranky, subject to unpredictable outbursts.

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