Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – AUGUST 16 - 22, 2004
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PEOPLE
  Mike Wallace Handcuffed,
Taken to Police Station

Morley Safer shackled, hooded, sent to Guantanamo; Andy Rooney placed in straitjacket, executed by lethal injection.
Madonna Now a Rabbi
She'll preside over Britney Spears's bat mitzvah.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Bravo Sponsors Sitcom Writing
Contest For Viewers

Winner gets $25,000, one-year contract with top agent who won't return phone calls.
 
BUSINESS
Reuters Shifts Editorial Jobs to India
To cover the phenomenon of outsourcing.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS
Animal Kingdom Olympics Come to An End
Medals wrap-up: predictably, cheetahs dominated in the sprints, elephants pulled off a sweep in weightlifting, sharks won the lion's-share of swimming events, and orangutans (shown) took home gold and silver in kick-boxing, upsetting the heavily favored kangaroos in the process.
SCIENCE
World's Largest Ant Colony Discovered in Australia
Found beneath world's largest picnic.
Robots to Send Man to Repair
Hubble Telescope

Mission “too risky” to send robot.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Report: Prozac Detected in
Britain's Drinking Water

Public reaction has been subdued.
 
FEATURE
The U.S. Forest Service has reversed long-standing policy to protect New Mexico's "Valley of Life" despite opposition from local ranchers, state officials, vacationers, environmentalists and the Boy Scouts of America, due to pressure brought to bear by:
A )Scientists responding to conclusions presented in independent research.
B )Native American shamans responding to the spirits of elk herds and animal deities.
C )The White House, responding to campaign contributions from the El Paso Corporation.

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