Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 17 - 23, 2005
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TRAVEL
Museum Proposed For Sing Sing Prison
Visitors will be able to sit in famed electric chair (shown) and receive souvenir shock.
 
MILESTONES
Don Quixote 400 Years Old
Most loved, least read book of all time.
 
SPORTS
Baseball Takes Tough
Stand on Steroids

New rule says any syringe caught by fan in foul territory is that fan's to keep.
Baseball: Complicated 10-Team
Trade Completed

No players or cash involved, just “future considerations.”
Don King Files $2.5 Billion Lawsuit Against ESPN
Claims he was “defulminated, defibrillated and defenestrated” by sports network.
Inaugural Schedule

6-9 AM: Citizens along the parade route are interrogated and strip searched.
10 AM: Attorney General John Ashcroft leads the Abu Ghraib Tabernacle Choir in “Onward Christian Soldiers.”
10:30 AM: Colin Powell interrogated and strip searched.
11 AM: All Iraqi election officials granted asylum, interrogated and strip searched.
Noon: Dick Cheney sworn in, exorcised.
1 PM: Grand jury investigating Tom DeLay sent to Guantanamo for questioning.
2 PM: U.S. Poet Laureate reads “Oh Captain, My Captain,” specially rewritten as a tribute to Ken Lay.
3 PM: The “Getting Tough on Corporate Crime” float, featuring Martha Stewart in stocks, passes reviewing stand.
4 PM: Bush takes oath, gives speech, “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do to You, When the Only Thing You Have to Fear is Your Country, Itself.”
5-Midnight: Pharmaceutical Industry Soiree, Energy Industry Banquet, Insurance Companies Gala, U. S. Chamber of Commerce Bacchanal.

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