Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MARCH 7 - 13, 2005
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MILESTONES
Guinness Cites Brazilian Woman, 125, as World's Oldest
Maria Olivia da Silva attributes long life to “drinking lots of Guinness.”
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Liechtenstein: Farmers Can No Longer Feed Cannabis to Livestock
New rule imposed when cows began acting paranoid.
U.S. Military Developing Weapon That Inflicts “Excruciating Pain” From Great Distance
More powerful than a “Dear John” letter, say experts.
 
NEW PRODUCTS
New Security- Conscious Wireless Personal Analog Assistant Beats 'em All!
And at a fraction of the price. With the novel Notepad you'll never have to worry about personal information being posted on the Internet! It's totally hack-proof. Plus, it has built-in handwriting recognition software (you!) and stores up to 150 pages of text, doodles, and idle thoughts in its memory. Pen not included. $.89 at all 89 Cents Only stores. Recyclable.
FEATURE
To protect those most deserving of a second chance to get out of debt, Congress has added which one of the following provisions to the Bankruptcy Reform Bill?
A )Exemption for military personnel forced into bankruptcy by serving in Iraq.
B )Exemption for those forced into bankruptcy by job loss or medical crisis.
C )Exemption for those forced into bankruptcy after being taken aboard flying saucers for medical experiments.
D )Exemption for millionaires who have taken the precaution of hiding their assets in “Asset Protection Trusts.”
 
ODDS 'N ENDS
Study: Having an Imaginary
Friend Can Be Healthy

Except when applying for a job.
Diamond- Encrusted Tea Bag Honored
Named “Most Decadent Object” in poll of experts.

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