Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – APRIL 11 - 17, 2005
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ART
Idaho Art School Raided by Cops
According to Erotic City's owner (left), students were “taking their final exams” when police burst in and arrested everyone.
 
SPORTS
Major League Baseball, Facing Criticism, Toughens Steroid Penalties
Offenders must wear scarlet letter “S” on uniform sleeve or cap.
 
PETS
Germany Opens First Dog Wash
Dogs enter, select “regular wash” or “hot wax,” then proceed to cashier.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Study: Good Looks Mean Higher Pay
And if you're really hot, the sky's the limit.
U.S. Plans to Convert Offshore Oil Platforms Into Fish Farms
Once they've caught all the fish, farms will be converted back to oil platforms.
Slovenian Beauty Queen Records Higher IQ on TV Show Than Nuclear Physicist
Scientist complains he was “distracted” during test.
FEATURE
Explaining why “There is no trust fund” for Social Security, President Bush referred to “just IOUs.” These IOUs are:
A )A random collection of scraps of paper with the letters “IOU” scrawled on them.
B )Cash from the “Monopoly” game, which can be used to buy property or traded for “Get Out of Jail Free” cards.
C )U.S. Treasury bonds backed by the full faith and credit of the United States Government.

The “affected unit” provision in The Clear Skies Bill will:
A ) Set limits on mercury emissions from coal-fired power plants near a body of water affected by the pollution.
B )Protect affected mothers and children from mercury poisoning.
C )Exempt 39% of all coal-fired power plants from having to cut the mercury they release into the air and water.
 
EDUCATION
U.S. University Enrollment
“In Decline”

Nevertheless, most Spring Break destinations report record crowds.

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