Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 23 - 29, 2005
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MISCELLANEOUS
World's Tallest, Fastest Roller Coaster Opens
Riders must be between the ages of 16 and 19, male and considerably drunk.
American Sports Tycoon Purchases British Royal Family
There is no public outrage.
 
FEATURE
“The Safe Access to Drug Treatment and Child Protection Act” introduced by the Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee would:
A )Insure safe access to drug treatment.
B )Protect children.
C )Make it a criminal offense punishable by a prison sentence of 2 to 10 years not to rat out your family members and not to wear a wire to collect evidence against them.
   Hint: Be careful how you answer
   this question.
 
SPORTS
Study: Athletes Who Wear
Red Win More Often

Than those who wear pink.

The geniuses who program television networks know exactly what we want to see every Fall, and they do everything in their power to prevent that from happening. To wit:
CBS: Looking to capitalize on their most controversial asset, the eye offers “Rather's World,” a reality series that follows sunken anchor Dan Rather 24/7, with predictable stunts like people incessantly asking him, “What's the frequency, Kenneth?”
NBC: Desperate for ratings, the peacock turns to their star, Donald Trump, who will give a one hundred dollar bill to every viewer.
ABC: Not so desperate, thanks to “Desperate Housewives,” the alphabet network adds “Sex-Starved Spouses,” “Horny Hausfraus,” and “Concupiscent Concubines” to their hottie-heavy lineup.
FOX: Already dominating cable news and all three branches of government, Rupert Murdoch goes after what's left with “Karl Rove's America,” a nightly 90-minute roundtable discussion of ways to fix Social Security without raising taxes. Ann Coulter has already signed on to do the weather.
WB: This fledgling second-tier network will take the novel approach of repeating all of last year's shows, but with new titles.
UPN: Having cancelled the last iteration of “Star Trek,” this lifeless moon of a network has decided to run a test pattern until somebody notices.
(Mr. TV's opinions are not his own.)

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